I just pynch a tree in the face
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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