I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
