No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
