I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
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We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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