i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
