ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
