Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
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You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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