I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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