I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
