Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
