The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
