I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Let's get the cat blown out
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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