I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
