your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
