I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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