My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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