I have demons in me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize