So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
