I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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