A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
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you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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