I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would fuck him just for his dog
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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