ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
