pop tarts are not kleenex
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
