I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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