You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
