I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
