I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
