I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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