I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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