Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
