Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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