What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
