Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
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it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.