There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.