someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.