he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
