on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
