Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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