I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We're too hungover to prance.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
