I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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