sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
