I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
