Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im holly from the hills drunk
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
