May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
