watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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