Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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