There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
