Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to calm my uterus...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
