I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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