Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
