Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
