Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
