My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
