I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i love accidental penises.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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