I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
