i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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