I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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