i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
