I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
