Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
