I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
