Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
